Mistakes

I always knew I was bound to make mistakes. Big ones, small ones, significant and (almost) insignificant ones. Mistakes were always part of the bigger culprit, most known as imperfection. Some mistakes have been long-standing, while others were recent. But it's one in the same. And just as time stops for no one, mistakes don't either.

Amidst falling (from grace) and making them, I realised why I felt the way I did, because I'd forgotten what it was like to make sincere unintentional mistakes. These are the ones that hurt deeper, the ones that break mutual trust, the ones that take longer to heal. And also the ones I never meant to make.

As aware as I was of the impact and consequences, I just couldn't seem to avoid it. 4 situations, 4 people I hold dear to my heart, and 6 wounds. Why 6? Because apart from the 4 people I hurt, I was hurt too, and so was God.

My heart took all four blows and was suddenly filled with fear, uncertainty and panic and I believe the state of my heart was quite a tragedy in itself. Those who were close enough stand witness to that. I don't remember feeling such an intensity of pain or the uncontrollable and unstoppable urge to burst out in tears. I held it against me for these mistakes. I blamed myself for the consequences. I couldn't make any step to make things right because I was so hurt. Just as they were hurt, I struggled big time too. Tough stuff.

A few weeks down, I still don't feel settled in my heart or spirit, but I know that things are in control. I've had to learn what it means to brave through the pain, to emerge a little less fearless and to take intentional steps to start redeeming my unintentional mistakes. Not everything is forgiven, forgotten or anywhere near over, but I believe that by God's grace, this pain, discomfort and strain will be gone in due time.

Dear mistakes, you hurt me and the people around me so much, but you also always never fail to teach me lessons I'll never forget. I know God uses you to teach me more about Him. And because of that, I don't hold anything against you (I try not to at least). Because of you, I now know how God's got me in His embrace, how He's got plans and specific intents for every single mistake I make. I'm not sure if you can be as much as a friend as you are a foe to me now, but maybe in time, you'd be embraced in my life. Yes, even with the pain and hurt.

I'm completely imperfect, completely sinful, completely guilty as charged for all these mistakes. Believe me when I say I'm sorry, because I've cried many nights being so apologetic. But can I please, still choose to live forgiven? I know I've been forgiven in the eyes of God, but now my heart needs to know its been forgiven by the 4 of you. As much as I'd like to be understood, I dare not ask for understanding. But one thing I do ask, is for your forgiveness. I cannot do everything though I've tried my best to. I don't promise to do better, but I promise to try, if you'd give me the chance to. If that isn't enough, then again, I'm terribly sorry.

(I'm going to be real, open and honest here. Whoever reads this, thank you for hearing me through my pain. I appreciate you.)

Love,

Your cell leader, your mentor, your bean friend, your (closest?) friend